The Amateur Writer

I don't consider myself emo because of my sense of awareness. Yeah, that must be it. That's why I hardly write about the struggles that I go through because I am usually capable of picking myself up in a matter of hours. The longest would be like three days. Usually I should be fine by then. Yes.

I'm not sure if you've noticed but the blog seemed less personal lately...especially the time leading up to Mahsuri and after it. Well the thing is, I have been down. The best way to describe how I was feeling is similar to having all the motivation and aspirations sucked out of you, leaving you numb. Suddenly I found myself being timid with the things around me and I felt so helpless. I didn't know what to do with myself. Suddenly I was scared. I was scared to go to class, I was scared to talk to people and all I wanted to do is to get away from anything English-related.

At first I thought I was just having one of those post-production depression (the one where you realize that you don't have to be responsible over people and things anymore) so I gave myself a week to recover. It was difficult because suddenly I realized how difficult my subjects are this semester. Well, they're not super difficult per say but the pressure to perform well is eating away my confidence. I started to doubt myself.

Am I that good at English anyway?

Being an English major, I am definitely taking the road less travelled. Especially being what I am. I have never regretted taking this path because I know, deep down that this is what I wanted to do. But at the same time, I am not stupid enough to disregard what the reality is. The most difficult part of being me at the moment would be...how much do I get to have things my way? So far, I am blessed to have things go according to plan (Alhamdulillah...) but now I feel it's time to take the next step. Where should I go now? I have so many possibilities but I am torn between self-growth and being "realistic".

Realistic.

If I were to ask one of my English professors, they would definitely throw back the question at me. What is realistic? Does realistic means conforming to what society expects you to be? Does it entail security? Does it entail happiness? Do the things that are realistic to me are the same for you?

Self-growth.

Shouldn't I grow as a person in order to understand the realities of the world? Shouldn't I provide myself an edge that will separate me from other people? But does self-growth can be delayed? Is it okay for me to put my self-growth on hold so that I will conform to what society think what I should do first.

What is the rush? I asked.

But money and time are of the essence. Another part of me answered.

I had all these thoughts running in my head for the past month. What made it worst was that I felt so guilty for thinking all of these thoughts. At the end, all I could see was that I am this selfish person.

But am I so selfish for wanting to be the best in what I do? Am I so selfish for going after my goals?

After battling all of these thoughts, alas God has given me the answer in the form of my father. No one can put things into perspective like my father can. He is one amazing person and I pray everyday that Allah will bless him for he is an angel.

**I am fine now! I figured it would be good if I share a different side of me. I'm back to old Yang Safia!Also I don't want to put unnecessary stress on my health now! I have been sick on and off these past few weeks so it also explains why I haven't been "active".

Basically what I wanted to say is that people will always go through a period where they doubt themselves and that is normal. Especially when you're a 20-something like me. You are about to step into the real world after all. I believe that ultimately, it is up to you because it is your life after all. You have the power to shape it. Although this doesn't mean it is wise for you to ignore what others are trying to tell you.

In the words of Mior Azli, "Don't accept an idea completely nor reject it completely."