The Amateur Writer

"Did you know that Rochelle (our lecturer) said that she expects us to not use the lecture notes and just be creative with our answers? She wants to leave it up to interpretation."

And you might be thinking. "So? Just do it lah."

Again, that's not the point. What Rochelle expects from us is making me question my efforts in studying lately. Have I done enough? I know I've done a lot of work but what's the point of work when the product is not up to expectation? My constant explanation to my peers who are not an English major is that it's subjective. What I'm doing is different from what you're doing. 1+1 doesn't equal to 2 for me. Deep down I wish though. I wish it's as simple as 1+1 but it's not. In terms of my studies, I just don't know where I'm going. I'll be honest, I'm not going to settle with just a B or a B+. I know people back home won't accept it and what's more important is that I can't accept it.

I sometimes envy my friends and sisters who are doing Science/Law/Commerce. I'm not saying they've got it good but they know what the end product is going to be like. It's like "If I don't study this, I won't score this exam" mentality that I miss. I've studied so much and tried to immerse myself with all sorts of different disciplines but for me, it all boils down to what I think.

I don't know what I think.

Today I look at the books scattered across my table and thought, "What's the point of criticizing these books? The authors wrote them, they try to imply something but at the same time readers can interpret it in a different way so yeah, there's that...so what? Why do you need to argue? Why make it so complicated? It's a good piece of work because it makes you think but why do you need to make it such a big deal? You have no life is it to bend over a book?" I admit these are just frustrated thoughts. I have bigger respect for literature than this.

In a typical Yang Safia manner; after having all of these thoughts running through my head, I started to rationalize. One thing I learned from studying literature is that a) now I know why authors these days make things overly dramatic to the point it is almost cliche. It'z because they want their books to sell and also to make their story memorable even if it's cliche. This is because I have actually read books in my course which tells about nothing. Nothing exciting happens. And I find it so difficult to remember what actually happens in the book because...nothing happens. b) No matter how much I bitch about literature, it does have some good points even if it doesn't produce money in the near future nor it cures cancer (actually it can. Can you think how? ;P) Literature helps you look at things from different perspectives. I guess that's why I'm good at putting things into perspective sometimes. But obviously this has to have a limit because what I'm dealing with my course right now is crazy! I'm just so sick of people arguing ALL THE TIME. I mean, make up your mind damnit!

What makes me feel frustrated with myself is that I feel that the effort I put into my work is spread out into different things which causes it not to have a focus. I look at my friends and sisters and they're trying very hard to get to their point B. And the effort and energy they put in are channelled towards one direction. If you compare that to my situation right now, I AM doing work but where is it heading? I know I want to get an A but how do I know I'm moving towards the right direction?

Mind you, this is not exam stress. I'm just frustrated. I feel like there's no definite answers to everything anymore.

This frustration is really messing up with my confidence right now. The worst feeling I know I could have is intimidation. I just hate that feeling. And for some odd reason right now, I'm losing my confidence for myself. I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything.

Again, what is the point?

I just hope I can have things figured out soon.