So I'm finally addressing the issue here. If you haven't noticed, this blog has been quite quiet this year and I really do apologize. My life has been a roller coaster so far and it keeps on changing and sometimes, it is quite hard to keep up with it. That's adulthood (?) for you. I have a new set of worries now, a new set of people that I care about and a new set of goals. I really don't think I'm the same Yang Safia six months ago on my graduation or the same Yang 3 months ago when I started my internship at Teach For Malaysia. While I do plan to revolve this post around what I have discovered throughout my 3-month stint at TFM, I kind of want to explore what life has generally revealed itself to me.
You see, I go through an existential crisis quite often especially now that I am no longer a student. While I think I fared quite well compared to other people since I have a plan; the question of your purpose in this world can never escape you. I don't work well with uncertainties so what usually happens is I get angry. I get so angry for a period of time until I manage to get something rolling. I'm not a person to mull over things for a long time because I like decisions...decisions that are followed with actions. But sometimes you know good things just come to those who wait. You gotta let the pie bake before you take it out of the oven. And I suck at that. I just hate waiting.
The past 3 months at Teach For Malaysia was a blur and I was pretty much out there doing stuff that I know I needed to do. I didn't have much time to think about my existence and its purpose. However towards the end of it, I hit a HUGE wall that drove me back into an EC. The internship allowed me to visit some high need schools in Malaysia and that opened my eyes about my country. I realized that I've been living in a bubble (a pretty bubble at that) all my life. Now I won't be too hard on myself but the experience really made me question my purpose in life. For one, I'm not sure whether I want to be involved in theatre anymore. I'm not sure if I want to direct even. And now I'm more gung-ho than ever to work on my Masters and Phd so that I can fully teach. But what resulted out of that is a confused person who felt that she lost a bit of herself.
So now here I am, more resolved that ever to not be as selfish as I was before. I view theatre as a selfish endeavour for myself and while I can (and many theatre people will argue) say that theatre can impact society and create change, I'm starting to question its practicality.
But now I'm confused.
It seems to me at this point I want to give and help people with something practical like quality education but in that process I've given up on theatre; one of my greater passions. Won't I lose a part of my identity? Won't I cease to exist if I give up my identity for the greater good? Then that would be a true existential crisis wouldn't it?
Sigh.
Anyway I thought I had shit figured out before I wrote this post but I ended up more confused that ever. I'm not looking for signs or answers right now. I don't need people telling me what to do. I just want to sit this one out and let it come to me naturally. I'm just going to go with the original plan (maybe with a few tweaks here and there) and regain back my focus. I need to get my mojo back.
REAL LIFE UPDATE:
I'm on a 3-month holiday before my Fellowship starts. I'm determined to get some major R&R but it has only been my 2nd day and I'm already losing my marbles. Haha. Clearly the idle and domestic life is not for me.
This blog will surely be buzzin now that I have more time! I've got some old and overdue projects in the works so look out for those! :D
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